Real life for a second…

I think this picture represents our life perfectly right now…

Sean is so put together; he is rocking it at work, acing his classes, fulfilling his calling and he’s doing all this while taking care of his crazy, scatter brained, emotional wife…me.

Seriously though lately life has been getting the best of me. For anyone who knows me they know I like control, I like lists, and I like schedules. So much so I used to schedule out every hour of my day during finals…literally every minute of everyday during that week was scheduled! Now I feel like I’ve lost control. I’m living a reactionary life instead of a proactive, put-together totally with it life.

Now I’m probably exaggerating a bit because I have some of it together, I’m not a total mess, but still I can’t help but ask…

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE???

  • What is most important to me?
  • What are my ultimate goals?
  • What am I willing to sacrifice to get what I want/need out of life?
  • What is the point of it all?

To many I appear to have direction, an end point, a goal I’m working toward and to a point that’s true. But then I get asked the question:

What do you want to do when you’re finished??

When I’m finished with what? School, work, my calling, life??

My answer…I HAVE NO IDEA!

  • I want to be a mother, an amazing mother like the one I grew up with and the ones I saw in my friend’s moms.
  • I want to be a wife, a partner, a best friend to my husband.
  • I want to be a Nurse Practitioner, but more importantly I want to make a difference.
  • I want to be able to look back on my life and know that I did all I could to help others.

Ultimately my goal is to use my education in global health. My time in India completely changed my life and I feel as a NP I can impact even more lives globally. The hard part though, how do I get there? I guess I’m just struggling with the uncertainty, the abstractness of it all. I really do feel as if I am just wading through life with little direction, hoping the wind blows me in a good direction.

The good news though…I’ve been here before and it’s all turned out all right. No actually it’s turned out a million times better than alright and in that moment I never could have imagined my life as it is right now.

It was my Senior year of high school I had my basketball scholarship all set up at UCSD, I was ready to go, but at the same time I wasn’t. I had this gnawing feeling that I shouldn’t go to UCSD, but instead I should go to BYU. The caveat, I didn’t want to go to BYU, I wanted to play basketball at UCSD!! Ask anyone close to me at that time and they’ll tell you I didn’t know what to do until finally I did.

I wish it “came in like a wrecking ball” (you totally just sang that song in your head 😉 and hit me upside the head, but it didn’t. It came in the quiet assurance that I knew which choice I had to make. I knew which school I had to go to. And if I had the courage to make the choice I needed to make, no matter how unpopular it was (and trust me my choice was very unpopular) or how much ridicule I received that all would work out.

It wasn’t easy but I soon found the purpose in my life I thought I had lost, I knew where I was going and how I was going to get there. And I got there. My life now is amazing. It’s not easy, but no one’s life is easy, not even the instagrammers who only show the pinterest worthy perfection of their lives. But I guess that’s what makes it so worth it.

Have you ever ran a race, a marathon, 1/2 marathon, 5 k, heck even a mile? You line up at the start line and think how am I ever going to make it, this was stupid and I’m an idiot. Well that’s what I have said every time I’ve lined up for that 1/2 marathon.  Literally the last one I told Emily we were so stupid for doing this!! Well about half way through you’re still thinking, this was stupid and I’m an idiot (or at least I am). But then you hit 3/4 of the way and you realize that now you’ve gone further than you have left and maybe just maybe you can do this. And then you hit the last 0.1 mile and you grit your teeth and finish the race strong! You then stand there at the end looking back at what you just accomplished and where you just came from and realize I’m not an idiot, in fact I am pretty dang awesome!

Well right now I’m right in the middle of my current race. Sure it feels a little more windy than it should be and yes at times I still think to myself “I’m an idiot,” but then I remember standing at the end of a race looking back at where I’ve come from and what I’ve accomplished and I realize I CAN DO THIS! Whatever it is that seems to be a stumbling block at the time I can get past it.

This feeling of  lack of control and lack of purpose is temporary, it always has been and it will continue to be. I’ll get through this halfway low point and reach the last 0.1 mile, push through and finish strong. I know I will because I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.

This post is for me. It’s so cathartic to write down how I’m feeling right now and to be honest has given me motivation to keep pushing through this period of my life. But to anyone also feeling this way just keeping pushing forward, it gets better, I won’t say it gets easier, but it will get better, you can and you will do it!

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